A poison has taken me...

Often in my life, I get strange looks for talking to myself. I enjoy telling people that I am just trying to inspire the little tiny rock band in my head to write better music. Unfortunately, I am a perfectionist in the extreme variety, so they often fall short. In the end, I see it more as myself falling short, because I strongly doubt my little band was able to squeeze a bass drum through my auditory canal.

I'm quite frustrated at the moment. I can write lyrics, but they all end up falling short as I try and add them to music. I have my show next week, which makes me nervous by itself. I always like having at least 2 new songs per show, and I honestly haven't finished even 1 since the end of the year. Maybe it's writer's block...but maybe I'm just uninspired.

At least once a year, I end up hitting a point that I wish I could avoid. I just become apathetic, and the only thing that seems to matter at all is that nothing seems to phase me one way or another. I watched the new Friday the 13th movie, loved it, and by the time I was home, I felt empty again. Being inside my own head really sucks sometimes.

Let's see...Maybe I can find something to talk about that I at least half care about...A ha! My friend John Allred is re-releasing his first album, Some Place New, in April. He's made some changes and I can hardly wait! Unfortunately, that's still 2 months away.

Maybe what's really bothering me is that I can't make sense of the voices in my head. Some are screaming at me to pull out my electric Ibanez and rattle the windows...but then others are pleading with me to write a ballad that would mean as much to others as it does to myself. That's been something I've always struggled with; writing something less personal and more universal.

Sorry this is kind of a downer. I'm trying to vent out my frustrations, but even now I just don't care. If anyone knows the antidote to apathy, let me know.

I'm sure there are many things I could be better at. Answering my phone, working out and eating better, keeping in touch with old friends, and piles and piles of other shouldawouldacouldas. I find ignoring them to be a suitable activity, until I realize that I really do want to better myself. So, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm mentally blocking myself from pulling the trigger and doing it. Worse still, I couldn't care less most of the time. So this is my list of things that bother me that I am going to try and change.

1. I'm going to start marketing for my massage business. I'm really busy with being a TA at UCMT, but it's time. I had my first full day (meaning I was booked) of massage since the beginning of November, and I think I could handle it a bit more often.

2. I really need to find better daytime TV than the court shows. They're really entertaining, but I can only handle so much abuse to the english language.

3. I hate, and I mean HATE doing the dishes. I'm fine with laundry, even cooking. But I really hate doing the dishes. It's easier to ignore them...Unfortunately, they don't disappear very often...

4. I drink a lot of soda, but that probably won't change. I'm just saying.

5. The smell of a turkey and swiss sandwich from Arby's permeates through my messy car, and I kind of enjoy it. What's odd is there isn't a sandwich IN the car...

6. I anxiously wait for movies to come out, yet I don't often go and see them. I've started to change that one already...Matt pretty much rocks #6

So there you have it... A short list of things that bother me about myself. I find myself refreshed enough to recite something that has changed my life many times over throughout my 22 years...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hmm...I may not get 'em all, but I'll give it a shot. Wish me luck.