The winds of change are blowing, and life is extremely interesting. One of my favorite songs is Tornado of Souls by Megadeth. In the end, that's all life is; a violent maelstrom of ups and downs. I have found peace in the chaos as of late...despite how painful adaptation can be.
I have had a very interesting few months. I have been working like crazy, trying to maintain a regular sleep schedule (failed!), and trying to balance all of my spinning plates...Needless to say, it's been difficult. But anyone that knows me knows that I don't back down from challenging situations. However, little things like blogging and recording often suffer.
I love what I do. I have been a massage therapist for over 2 years now, and I still enjoy doing the work. The beautiful thing is that I don't actually have to be doing the work to enjoy it. I love that when I am in the classroom as a TA, I get to share my love for my work with future massage therapists. Students tend to be a little painful at times, and yes, there are some interesting people who go to massage school, but I love it all the same. My life has been greatly enriched by some of the people I have met and I've also made some incredible friendships with the teachers that I work for. I have had my biggest class load ever this last term, and I've realized just how much I love being there.
We finally moved! Yay! I don't live in a crappy apartment with squishy walls, leaky windows, and broken doorknobs anymore! We've moved in to a basement apartment in Orem, complete with 3 bedrooms, internet, and cable! Let me just say that DVRs are quite possibly the best inventions EVER.
I have found myself struggling mentally over the past little while. That's not really a new thing for me, but it's to a point now that I am getting concerned. I find myself obsessing over little insignificant things that often lead to a horrific night of not sleeping. I have done a bit of research, and it turns out a lot of insomniacs are treated for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I laughed at first, but the wheels have kept turning in my head. I'm starting to wonder if it might be a valid argument for my lack of sleep. Don't get me wrong; I don't freak about washing my hands 1000 times a day or have to have all my clothes color coordinated in reverse alphabetical order...but there are things that I have to check several times a night and things that irritate me if they are out of place. Interesting thought.
I have come to realize just how much I don't know about myself. I spend most of my days watching and evaluating the general public's posture and walking habits, yet I don't take much time for introspection on myself. I consider my inner self a dangerous and foreign person; volatile, manipulative, secretive...apparently, I think I'm a ninja inside :) But keeping yourself in check isn't always a good thing. I've always had a hard time trusting anyone but myself, and a lot of my personal experiences have driven that antitrust even deeper. I find myself wearing the proverbial masks on a daily basis. I wonder just how many people really know me...Who sees through the cracks in the porcelain? Can I?
My blogs are a little erratic...but hopefully this one is semi-relevant.
PS. Batman is so much better than Superman. I've been arguing with a good friend of mine about this, and, since I posted it on my blog, I win. Don't bother arguing. Accept it. It's cold hard fact.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
"One More Day"
There are always so many things I want to write about, but never any words to say them. I have had a crazy few weeks, between grading finals and trying my best to get taxes and things in order. But I had a very interesting experience this week and thought I would write it down.
Sometimes working at a massage college is incredible. Sometimes it's wicked difficult. Sometimes I have a hard time getting excited to go to work, and others I can't wait. For most of this last term, I have been having a hard time getting excited. But it wasn't why you might think. I realized the end was coming for one of my favorite classes. When a class graduates, it's bittersweet for me. I make some great friendships with the students, and when they graduate, I know I may never see many of them again. That's hard for me, seeing as I'm not very good at goodbyes.
Yesterday started out pretty typical of a finals week day...I woke up and showered, had a good breakfast (that is only typical TO finals weeks), and left for work. I arrived and saw the familiar faces of the graduating class. They were nervous for their finals, so I gave my usual words of encouragement and told them they'd be fine. What was different was the feeling I had saying those words for the last time. I left them to go to my class, thinking about the road that brought them to this point...one so similar to my own a few years back.
I chose to spend the whole day at the campus with the grads-to-be. I have always felt a bond with this class, and I think they felt one with myself as well. I sat through their final class with them by choice, listening to their plans following graduation. I don't know why I chose to sit through it, but I felt drawn to their classroom all day. I have never done that before. Towards the end, following the little cryfest that is almost every class's last session, I asked the instructor if I could say a few words. I couldn't really think about anything except my own class from 2 years ago, and the words I left them with. I wrote a song the night before my last class, and I decided I would recite the words to this new class, in the same room that last heard them 2 years ago.
How many days will I wait
to find the words I couldn't say?
How many days will it take
for the sun to chase the clouds away?
How many nights I lay awake
to see the stars before they're gone
How many more will I wait
before I know I'm not the only one
Don't say goodbye
I'll remember, I'll remember you
Don't say goodbye
I don't want to be just a memory
Don't say goodbye
We still have one more day
As I recited those words to the class, the unthinkable happened; my voice broke, and tears ran down my cheeks. The class then lined up and gave me hugs and said thank you, but I could barely speak and tell them how proud I am of them. My emotions overtook me I guess. I didn't really know what to think...You see, I don't show most of my emotions to the students or the rest of the world for that matter. I don't know what it was, but the unity of the class mirrored so much of my own class, and being in the very same room...I don't know...call it deja' vu maybe. I don't know why it happened, but I guess I'm glad that it did. It's nice to be reminded of the things I felt for my class so long ago and that I still feel them.
I don't want anyone to think I don't feel strongly for each and every class that has come through those doors. But the circumstances just created the right chemistry for the moment. I have since decided to record the song "One More Day" and post it for each and every person that has come in to my life because of UCMT, and for that matter each and every person to come in to my life at all. I love each of you. If I haven't said it lately, thank you. Those words are for you.
Sometimes working at a massage college is incredible. Sometimes it's wicked difficult. Sometimes I have a hard time getting excited to go to work, and others I can't wait. For most of this last term, I have been having a hard time getting excited. But it wasn't why you might think. I realized the end was coming for one of my favorite classes. When a class graduates, it's bittersweet for me. I make some great friendships with the students, and when they graduate, I know I may never see many of them again. That's hard for me, seeing as I'm not very good at goodbyes.
Yesterday started out pretty typical of a finals week day...I woke up and showered, had a good breakfast (that is only typical TO finals weeks), and left for work. I arrived and saw the familiar faces of the graduating class. They were nervous for their finals, so I gave my usual words of encouragement and told them they'd be fine. What was different was the feeling I had saying those words for the last time. I left them to go to my class, thinking about the road that brought them to this point...one so similar to my own a few years back.
I chose to spend the whole day at the campus with the grads-to-be. I have always felt a bond with this class, and I think they felt one with myself as well. I sat through their final class with them by choice, listening to their plans following graduation. I don't know why I chose to sit through it, but I felt drawn to their classroom all day. I have never done that before. Towards the end, following the little cryfest that is almost every class's last session, I asked the instructor if I could say a few words. I couldn't really think about anything except my own class from 2 years ago, and the words I left them with. I wrote a song the night before my last class, and I decided I would recite the words to this new class, in the same room that last heard them 2 years ago.
How many days will I wait
to find the words I couldn't say?
How many days will it take
for the sun to chase the clouds away?
How many nights I lay awake
to see the stars before they're gone
How many more will I wait
before I know I'm not the only one
Don't say goodbye
I'll remember, I'll remember you
Don't say goodbye
I don't want to be just a memory
Don't say goodbye
We still have one more day
As I recited those words to the class, the unthinkable happened; my voice broke, and tears ran down my cheeks. The class then lined up and gave me hugs and said thank you, but I could barely speak and tell them how proud I am of them. My emotions overtook me I guess. I didn't really know what to think...You see, I don't show most of my emotions to the students or the rest of the world for that matter. I don't know what it was, but the unity of the class mirrored so much of my own class, and being in the very same room...I don't know...call it deja' vu maybe. I don't know why it happened, but I guess I'm glad that it did. It's nice to be reminded of the things I felt for my class so long ago and that I still feel them.
I don't want anyone to think I don't feel strongly for each and every class that has come through those doors. But the circumstances just created the right chemistry for the moment. I have since decided to record the song "One More Day" and post it for each and every person that has come in to my life because of UCMT, and for that matter each and every person to come in to my life at all. I love each of you. If I haven't said it lately, thank you. Those words are for you.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Resolved
I've decided to make a concrete list of resolutions this year. I don't really know why; I just felt like it. Hopefully I will keep them :)
1. I want to play at least 5 shows this year. Be it by myself or with a band, I feel I need to stop talking about it and start playing again. Performing is kind of a drug; sometimes you just need to be in front of people and make an idiot out of yourself. More than anything, I need to prove to myself that I'm not a poser. I think this is doable based on the math; a show every two months or so, with wiggle room for a third month if needed.
2. I am going to record another album this year, possibly two. I have so many new songs written, and so many I would like to re-record now that I know what I'm doing. As I lay down the tracks I can add so much to them, i.e. vocal harmonies, solos, and various other dynamics I can't do by myself. I also have a very cute wife with a very good voice, and I have a few songs she sings with me that I'd love to share. Be excited.
3. I would love to be mostly out of debt by the end of the year, but that probably won't happen. This is my long term goal...Borrowed money isn't and never will be my money. I don't like taking money from anyone that I didn't earn, but it is a necessary evil when your car dies/you go to massage school/blah blah blah...Basically, I don't want to owe anyone anything. I'll keep this one for a few years I imagine.
4. I plan on getting a massage, a GOOD massage, at least once a month. I need it to repair the wear-and-tear on my body from doing massage, not to mention the stupid things that happens to my body. I tend to fall on the ice a lot, trip down the stairs (or up the stairs), and a million other hilarious-yet-costly blunders. If you need all the reasons massage is good for you, just ask. I could write a novel on it.
5. I want to finish The Nemesis Diary. For those of you who don't know, The Nemesis Diary is a story that I've been writing for the last few months. It's posted on http://thenemesisdiary.blogspot.com, and I would love any comments you have. It has been very good for me to dust off my creative writing mind and focus on a story again. I dream about it :).
6. There are a few other things I want to do for sure, but they are more on a personal level. Things I'd like to change about myself, my attitude, etc. I'm sure we all have these to some degree, but I have put mine off for far too long. Pay attention, I might surprise you in the near future.
7. This is a little one...I am thinking I want to try acupuncture for my insomnia/depression. I don't know much about it, but a good friend of mine recommended it to me. Some of you know that I am terrified of needles, but I am getting really sick of relying on pills that work only half the time. I am in control of my life, not my fears. I will not let them rule me, especially when it's something that might work.
Thanks for reading! Now go to The Nemesis Diary and tell me what you think!
1. I want to play at least 5 shows this year. Be it by myself or with a band, I feel I need to stop talking about it and start playing again. Performing is kind of a drug; sometimes you just need to be in front of people and make an idiot out of yourself. More than anything, I need to prove to myself that I'm not a poser. I think this is doable based on the math; a show every two months or so, with wiggle room for a third month if needed.
2. I am going to record another album this year, possibly two. I have so many new songs written, and so many I would like to re-record now that I know what I'm doing. As I lay down the tracks I can add so much to them, i.e. vocal harmonies, solos, and various other dynamics I can't do by myself. I also have a very cute wife with a very good voice, and I have a few songs she sings with me that I'd love to share. Be excited.
3. I would love to be mostly out of debt by the end of the year, but that probably won't happen. This is my long term goal...Borrowed money isn't and never will be my money. I don't like taking money from anyone that I didn't earn, but it is a necessary evil when your car dies/you go to massage school/blah blah blah...Basically, I don't want to owe anyone anything. I'll keep this one for a few years I imagine.
4. I plan on getting a massage, a GOOD massage, at least once a month. I need it to repair the wear-and-tear on my body from doing massage, not to mention the stupid things that happens to my body. I tend to fall on the ice a lot, trip down the stairs (or up the stairs), and a million other hilarious-yet-costly blunders. If you need all the reasons massage is good for you, just ask. I could write a novel on it.
5. I want to finish The Nemesis Diary. For those of you who don't know, The Nemesis Diary is a story that I've been writing for the last few months. It's posted on http://thenemesisdiary.blogspot.com, and I would love any comments you have. It has been very good for me to dust off my creative writing mind and focus on a story again. I dream about it :).
6. There are a few other things I want to do for sure, but they are more on a personal level. Things I'd like to change about myself, my attitude, etc. I'm sure we all have these to some degree, but I have put mine off for far too long. Pay attention, I might surprise you in the near future.
7. This is a little one...I am thinking I want to try acupuncture for my insomnia/depression. I don't know much about it, but a good friend of mine recommended it to me. Some of you know that I am terrified of needles, but I am getting really sick of relying on pills that work only half the time. I am in control of my life, not my fears. I will not let them rule me, especially when it's something that might work.
Thanks for reading! Now go to The Nemesis Diary and tell me what you think!
Monday, October 26, 2009
just kidding...
Hey so I'm retarded and wrote the wrong web address for my story...it is actually http:/thenemesisdiary.blogspot.com
I really would appreciate any input you might have.
I really would appreciate any input you might have.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Nemesis Diary
I have started working on a new story. I haven't flexed my creative writing muscles in a while, so I thought I would give it a shot. I would appreciate any and all input and criticism.
I am really excited to be doing this, so I started a new blog just for my story. It's called The Nemesis Diary. It will be told from the perspective of a man known as Nemesis, who is not really what you'd call a 'hero.' You'll have to read it and let me know what you think.
www.blogspot.com/thenemesisdiary
Add me, and I'll keep writing as I get time.
I am really excited to be doing this, so I started a new blog just for my story. It's called The Nemesis Diary. It will be told from the perspective of a man known as Nemesis, who is not really what you'd call a 'hero.' You'll have to read it and let me know what you think.
www.blogspot.com/thenemesisdiary
Add me, and I'll keep writing as I get time.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Note to Self
Dear Steve,
As gorgeous and ridiculously intelligent as you are, I have something I must bring to your attention. You are a complete and utter moron sometimes. I know it is difficult to hear this, but we both know that it's true.
I am extremely impressed with how you achieved your goal of a month without soda or caffeine. You dropped ten pounds, and proved that you could do it to all of the naysayers out there. It sucked, but you did it. I am also happy you are back on the drinks; the neighbor kids don't seem to be as frightened of you...
That was the good part. Now, why you are an idiot...Firstly (is that even a word?), you took a ten day trip to California. That wasn't the dumb part...the dumb part was that you knew about it for months ahead of time, and still managed to skip that whole saving money thing...it was less about going on vacation for ten days, and more about not working for ten days. Granted the economy kind of kills a lot of business in the massage world, I'm sure you could have saved money by skipping out on the Carl's Jr. and enjoying/choking down cereal instead. Nice.
Then there was that whole thing with being a psycho...medications are expensive! Not really your fault, but that still doesn't make it a good idea to not take your anti-anxiety/sleeping pills. This will lead you to a horrific pair of nights without sleep, and encourages that nasty 3 hour panic attack that hit you around 2 AM the other night...Seriously? Did you fall on your head and get stupid?
And to cap it all off, you were lucky enough to not pay attention to all the beautiful *cough, cough* corrosion building up on the contacts of your truck battery...This leads to a DEAD battery, and a fun time of cutting off one contact and paying $85 for a new battery. Good thing your dad is good with cars eh?
So...what have we learned? With you, probably nothing...however, you probably have even more issues than you first thought...you are writing a blog to yourself dude...good luck with that.
Sincerely,
Steve
As gorgeous and ridiculously intelligent as you are, I have something I must bring to your attention. You are a complete and utter moron sometimes. I know it is difficult to hear this, but we both know that it's true.
I am extremely impressed with how you achieved your goal of a month without soda or caffeine. You dropped ten pounds, and proved that you could do it to all of the naysayers out there. It sucked, but you did it. I am also happy you are back on the drinks; the neighbor kids don't seem to be as frightened of you...
That was the good part. Now, why you are an idiot...Firstly (is that even a word?), you took a ten day trip to California. That wasn't the dumb part...the dumb part was that you knew about it for months ahead of time, and still managed to skip that whole saving money thing...it was less about going on vacation for ten days, and more about not working for ten days. Granted the economy kind of kills a lot of business in the massage world, I'm sure you could have saved money by skipping out on the Carl's Jr. and enjoying/choking down cereal instead. Nice.
Then there was that whole thing with being a psycho...medications are expensive! Not really your fault, but that still doesn't make it a good idea to not take your anti-anxiety/sleeping pills. This will lead you to a horrific pair of nights without sleep, and encourages that nasty 3 hour panic attack that hit you around 2 AM the other night...Seriously? Did you fall on your head and get stupid?
And to cap it all off, you were lucky enough to not pay attention to all the beautiful *cough, cough* corrosion building up on the contacts of your truck battery...This leads to a DEAD battery, and a fun time of cutting off one contact and paying $85 for a new battery. Good thing your dad is good with cars eh?
So...what have we learned? With you, probably nothing...however, you probably have even more issues than you first thought...you are writing a blog to yourself dude...good luck with that.
Sincerely,
Steve
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Is deprivation = to massochism?
I am one stubborn dude. Many of you already know this. I've been walking to the beat of my own drum my whole life, and I always will. Recently I've decided that I have a few problems I'd like to take care of. This is my blog describing these issues and the reason behind them.
1. I am 10 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time. That puts me at almost 20 pounds heavier than I was in high school. This does not sit well with me. I have always been rather proud of my physique, and I've kind of let it go a bit. I decided to change this. I have begun a rather vigorous training regiment, much of it revolving around Wii Fit. This sounds silly but that game kicks your butt! I have also started running...RUNNING! I also have decided to let go of soda for a while. I'll elaborate in a minute. So far I've started losing, so I feel pretty good about that.
2. Soda is my favorite, especially Mountain Dew or Cherry Coke; Dr. Pepper and regular Coke are also very good. I probably drink 5 or 6 cans of something a day, which translates into around 550-600 calories per day. Therefore, I've decided to kick it for a while. I don't know how long I'll go, but I will give it a shot for at least a week. This is more about proving that I don't need it than losing weight. I've always said the world wouldn't be safe if I was off the juice, and so I've hesitated. Well kids, I'm 4 days into it...it sucks! I have never wanted a drink so bad in my life! But I haven't killed anyone...so far...and I have done pretty well for the most part. I feel a bit more focused at work, even if my brain isn't firing quite as fast as I'm used to. The really messed up thing is that it's ruined what's left of my sleeping patterns. You'd think with zero caffeine you'd sleep better; I've had a horrible time! I'm even on sleeping pills and I can't sleep! UGH! However, I do feel myself getting used to the idea.
I'll post if anything dramatic happens, but we'll just have to see. I will say this though; I feel a fire inside of me that I haven't felt for a while. Man your battle stations; this is war.
1. I am 10 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time. That puts me at almost 20 pounds heavier than I was in high school. This does not sit well with me. I have always been rather proud of my physique, and I've kind of let it go a bit. I decided to change this. I have begun a rather vigorous training regiment, much of it revolving around Wii Fit. This sounds silly but that game kicks your butt! I have also started running...RUNNING! I also have decided to let go of soda for a while. I'll elaborate in a minute. So far I've started losing, so I feel pretty good about that.
2. Soda is my favorite, especially Mountain Dew or Cherry Coke; Dr. Pepper and regular Coke are also very good. I probably drink 5 or 6 cans of something a day, which translates into around 550-600 calories per day. Therefore, I've decided to kick it for a while. I don't know how long I'll go, but I will give it a shot for at least a week. This is more about proving that I don't need it than losing weight. I've always said the world wouldn't be safe if I was off the juice, and so I've hesitated. Well kids, I'm 4 days into it...it sucks! I have never wanted a drink so bad in my life! But I haven't killed anyone...so far...and I have done pretty well for the most part. I feel a bit more focused at work, even if my brain isn't firing quite as fast as I'm used to. The really messed up thing is that it's ruined what's left of my sleeping patterns. You'd think with zero caffeine you'd sleep better; I've had a horrible time! I'm even on sleeping pills and I can't sleep! UGH! However, I do feel myself getting used to the idea.
I'll post if anything dramatic happens, but we'll just have to see. I will say this though; I feel a fire inside of me that I haven't felt for a while. Man your battle stations; this is war.
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